The Blog at modernarthur.com: December 2005

It took so long to get light out this morning I thought the sun was done. But it's not.

Here's to another year of life on Earth!

Tom, December 31, 2005, 5:44 PM (link here)

SOMETHING FROM THE NIGHTMARE BIO OF CONSTANCE KILLJOY:

CONSTANCE’s POV: A spotlight turns on in an empty theater. Red curtains part. A man in a “BIG BIRD”-like costume stands center stage.

He takes a bow. He places a TOP HAT on his head and waves a WAND. A kid in a cardboard APPLE costume enters from stage right.

The Apple kid walks to stage left and stops. Next up, a kid in a DIAPER crawls out.

The Baby kid stops beside the Apple kid. Next up is a kid dressed as a CAT and one as a DOG. They are pretending to fight.

They too stop. Next up: a kid in an EGG costume, wobbling around.

Next up: a kid holding a can of GASOLINE. He douses himself in the gasoline and lights himself on FIRE.

FIRE?!

Everyone on stage is immediately shot dead by offscreen RIFLES.

CUT TO: Constance turns around in horror. Unbeknownst to her, she was leading a FIRING SQUAD consisting of CHILDHOOD ARCHETYPES (EASTER BUNNY, TOOTH FAIRY, VIRGIN MARY, etc.). In the middle of the squad is SANTA CLAUS and RICHARD NIXON. They begin making out.

CUT TO:

EXT. - CENTRAL PARK - DAY

Constance snaps out of her dream, fairly disturbed. She shakes it off.

She is sitting on a park bench with a notebook on her lap. Constance begins drawing in the notebook. The person next to her leans over to see what she is drawing. The person next to her is confused.

FADE TO BLACK.

Tom, December 31, 2005, 1:52 AM

Gen. Rick "Hudson Fox" Shock & Stomp II just took Liberty Island:

Well New Jersey refused our contract for aggressive occupation of their state, which was too be expected and in essence what we really wanted. After the bullshit formalities of war contracts were signed we made our first invasion. The vanguard force which we assembled on the west side docks was moved to battery park, our frist staging area where, once assembled and mortars were in place we stormed the beach head of New Jersey! Now they were not exactly taking us seriously, so we met minimal opposition when taking Liberty Island. In fact there were only a few New York security guards there. We quickly loaded them up and sent them off to a detainment camp for questioning. The beach landing went rather smoothly too. Lobbed over a storm of mortar fire to weaken their defenses and turn the entire coast into a chaotic mess which we used to infiltrate Jersey City. The local militia, after a slow turn around of organization, soon formed and launched a small counter attack. It was fruitless to say the least. We made quick work of them, capturing a few leaders and holding them on Liberty Island. Minimal casualties reported on our end. The death toll for jersey city is still coming in. The taking of Liberty Island was a walk in the park, but the battle for the Bay is far from over.

Tom, December 29, 2005, 11:02 AM (link here)

When I was eight years old or so, all I wanted for Christmas was to see a giant ape fight three Tyrannosaurus Rexes. Tonight I was given just that, with insurance. 17 yrs at 2.5 headlocks/year = I never have to see apes fight T-Rexes again.

Tom, December 28, 2005, 11:41 AM

Rick's alone in the city:

I think I'll start a war with New Jersey. Any names for my war? I;m starting it off with the Battle of Liberty Bay. The statue of liberty is a strong staging point for invasion, plus it's height makes for a prominent outpost for surveying the war as well as a airborne dry dock for loading and unloading equipment via air balloons and dirigibles. In fact the entirety of Ellis island coupled with Miss Liberty makes for the best vantage point for taking out the enemy. The battle of Liberty Bay will be a bloody one.

Tom, December 27, 2005, 1:07 PM (link here)

Tom, December 24-30, 2005

Q: What's soft and round and you put it on a stick and you toast it on a fire and it's green?

A: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

small 92MB

medium 208MB

from Internet Archive, which is awesome.

December 24, 2005, 1:52 AM

DoF
From Tempest, Storm and Wind

01 The First Noel
02 What Child Is This?
03 O Holy Night
04 Silent Night (ft. Sinestetici)
05 God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
06 We Three Kings

from Abandon Building Records:

In light of tradition, DoF has recorded a few lil lovely xmas ditties, the kinda stuff we homeless folk wrap up in, to keep us warm through the season. So hop into your stockings in slippers, throw another log on the fire, and be sure to concoct some spiritual eggnog in preperation for this memorable holiday gift. If you were good this year download the album free here...

(right-click+save)

www.iamdof.com

December 23, 2005, 9:59 PM

"Throwing away books is a sin. Good for you picking them up," said a weird guy in goggles before hopping on a scooter and driving off, the wrong way up the street. So I continued picking up the books. I'm gonna keep The Voyage of the Spaceship Beagle for myself. Vaginal Politics I'll give to Phil.

Tom, December 22, 2005, 9:29 PM

Jenni got me a banjo for Christmas. Here's an mp3 of me, I mean Lester Flatt & The Nashville Grass, doing "Dixie Flyer."

Tom, December 22, 2005, 11:06 AM

from Film Force:

With Monarch in the clink, Dr. Girlfriend shacking up with the man who framed him, and the Henchmen drifting aimlessly through life, what would a prison visit during an admittedly depressed holiday season yield?

Hard Candy Christmas (from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas) as performed by The Monarch, 21 and 24

Last year The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend reenacted David Bowie and Bing Crosby's The Little Drummer Boy. "Illegal and unethical," warns The Monarch himself.

December 21, 2005, 2:21 PM

Noodlesoup Holiday Party at a place where on a normal night tucked-in FCUK shirts and soul patches aren't required per se, it's just that everyone there's doing it. Where food (as in "don't eat before you come, because there will be food") = bits of tuna on melba toast and crucibles half-full of tomato soup. I couldn't tell if it was someone's idea of joke or not (like: we're so not poor but if we were we'd be eating tuna fish on stale crackers and a couple spoonfuls of tomato soup for dinner--aren't poor people funny?!!!). In the midst of the 2005 Year in Bad House Beats Survey being broadcast over a couple dozen speakers, they played "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics. That was cool. I thought maybe it snuck on the DJ's playlist by accident, but then he played it again an hour later. Is Bailey's expensive? Because as the night went on, they started telling people they were out of it and I swear I saw some when they opened their fridge.

Photos by Shivers

Like little battleships, preparing to not fill me up.

It's 10:45. There are--hold on... five people here at work. Wait, four. Do we blame the party? Let's blame the MTA. Can we blame Christmas?

Last night wasn't all bumpabumpabumpa and tomato soup shooters, though. For one, I finally got the chance to exchange awkwardness with Mr. James Urbaniak. Voice of Doc Venture and actor in a lot of other things whether you've seen them or not, I think I hear his voice more frequently than I hear anyone else's in the world. Upwards of 8 hours a day. That may or may not have fueled my theory that a play he was in was about me. (He denies.) But check it out:

hmmm... anyway,

Mr. Urbaniak recently posted the following on his other blog. He got it from Mr. ub_iwerks_hot ...

It's like Animal Farm.

And/or it reminds me of when I proved PeeDee was Rose McGowan's brother...

People didn't believe him, you see.

______

I have two friends named Mike. One's annual Christmas card was posted online this morning, and the other was featured on KDKA Pittsburgh news last night. (I'll try and get the video.) Via e-mail:

Yes, that was me on KDKA at 7:28 PM tonight talking with Stacy Smith and Patrice King Brown. And yes, that was Bill and Kathy by my side. The Suzy Kolber Theory applies to Patrice. She is much prettier in person than on television.

Also tonight, I overstated my love for Ken Rice to a producer and she called Ken over to meet me, and I may have hit on Bob Pompeani's daughter. In other Pompeani news, he likes Jim Tracy as Pirates manager, "hopes" the Pirates can reach .500 next year, and "would have loved" to have seen Nomar in a Pirates uniform.

More on Ken Rice... according to our shared makeup artist, it is a common misconception that tan skin, such as Ken's, is good for TV. Quick notes: Bob Pompeani does not wait in line for makeup artists. Jennifer Antkowiak is preggers and friends with Mrs. Pompeani. Sonni Abatta is hot. Lynne Hayes-Freeland is not. Stacy Smith has quite a limp. Patrice King Brown has been with KDKA for 27 years and could pass for 28 years old. Her nickname is PKB or Pancake Breakfast. Actually, that's false. Children's Hospital wants to name the first floor of the new hospital it's building "FedEx Ground Floor" but FedEx is playing hard to get. Penn United donated $27,741.02 to Children's Hospital's Free Care Fund. Ken Rice's standard greeting: "I'm Ken Rice, b****."

I miss those Pittsburgh news personalities. Mainly I just miss hearing their names pronounced on television. I look forward to hearing them next week.

______

Modern Arthur contributors round up: Charles and Christine are either stranded in Brooklyn or on their way to Michigan. Phil is in the early phases of his second trip to Providencetown. Rick sent out an e-mail of fragmented phrases (my favorite being: to a club on ht werst side, whom )the dumb chikds) only got dumber i lef t and am no wi n our ocompmnay hwere i belomng.) at 4:24 this morning, so we can assume he's asleep. Dong is most likely asleep too, dreaming of Warcraft. Aaron is...packing for home maybe(?) And Jenni's at work. Her latest arrangement was the talk of the party last night.

WHO HASN'T HEARD LOVE WILL TEAR US APART, ACCORDION-STYLE?!

______

THE MAIN SQUEEZE ORCHESTRA
February 11th @ Pianos
Mark your calendars -- they sell out every time

______

And don't let this post trick you. Though long-winded, it is still just me milking my friends for content. The lack of my own contributions to this blog as of late is something I'm embarrassed by. There are rumors that I'm hard at work planning something--but then that's just what they are. Rumors.

______

Here's a rough draft of a song about evolution for a 1970s children's show I hope to see created in 2006:

And some monkeys became our presidents
and our astronauts and our architects
and our moms and our dads and our uncle rays
the one we only see on holidays
and our teachers and the writers of the books they teach
the girls who get the sun and the owners of the beach
and the barbers who want to cut our hair
and the carpenter who made this chair
butchers, bakers, electronic watchmakers
catholics, protestants, atheists, quakers
americans, russians, germans, chinese
friends and strangers and enemies
some monkeys became everyone we see
some monkeys even became you and me
that's right kids, some monkeys became you and me
maybe that's why it's so much fun
going ooh ooh ah ah ah ha ha hahahaha

______

I better get to work.

Tom, December 21, 2005, 10:31 AM (link here)

Phil arrives:

currently: trying to find a luxury pet store in Manhattan so that [my boss] can find a gift for jessica alba's dog.

Tom, December 19, 2005, 5:49 PM

~~40 minutes~~ of our lives, December, 2005 -- it was only 26 minutes, and I was the only one who didn't have fun seeing how many state capitals I could think of.

So who all started their day with "Beds are Burning"?

Really, just me?

Tom, December 16, 2005, 9:22 AM

The blog at modernarthur.com is a non-smoking establishment, but does Bags care?

Tom, December 15, 2005, 9:24 AM

"We are living through a watershed moment in the story of freedom," Bush said ...

Who talks like that?

Tom, December 14, 2005, 5:03 PM

What every picture of the three of us at the HDNet holiday party should look like.

Tom, December 14, 2005, 2:59 PM

After several minutes, maybe even as many as thirty, the door to the women's bathroom finally opened. Inside a hammered, undulating young lady was trying to peel herself back into the party. The way she was moving, no way were her bones not rubber. Her wobbly hand went for the doorframe, missed. It went for the sink, slipped off. On her way back to the toilet her foot kicked the door and again it shut and locked.

Then someone in the back goes: "That was the intern."

Tom, December 14, 2005, 10:06 AM

I've been known to call Rick "the best his age, in the city, at what he does," and I stand by that. I can't think of any other 25 year, 364 day-old person that even comes close to that kid.

UPDATE: That man.

Tom, December 12, 2005, 12:40 AM

If ever you find yourself on 163rd St. on a Sunday between 4 and 6pm feeling like jazz, granola bars, and Capri Sun, maybe check this out.

Tom, December 12, 2005, 12:40 AM

Generous Contributors to the Republican National Committee receive a Christmas card from George and Laura Bush. The front of the card features the White House pets shitting on the White House lawn in a nice painting by Andrew Wyeth's son, Jamie Wyeth. Inside is printed the rather boring verse 7 of Psalm 28--a Psalm that concludes with: "O save thy people, and bless thy heritage; be thou their shepherd, and carry them forever"--lines no doubt recited by George when he tries to look out at his shat upon lawn but catches his reflection instead.

Tom, December 10, 2005, 12:21 PM (link here)

(I think I saw Guns N' Roses play last night and it totally made up for when I was too young to see them in 7th grade.)

Tom, December 10, 2005, 11:54 AM

Phil: (slides a silk and lace glove out of his pocket:) Charles, rebel king though you may be, you have incurred the ire of the machine. SLAP.

I feel compelled, neigh, driven to challenge thee to use the burning Wicker Man in a Photoshop manipulated picture that pleases mine eye. SLAP.

You have been challenged, sir.

Charles: Re:

Phil: Touché.

December 9, 2005, 12:55 PM

Do you think there are people out there who would actually consider Teddy Grahams and Red Bull dinner? I mean, when I did it earlier tonight I was part-joking. I mean I wasn't serious. I'd just as soon say I didn't have dinner than say I had Teddy Grahams and Red Bull for dinner. Oh wait, I had a slice of pizza around 8:30. I'm good. Nevermind.

Tom, December, 9, 2005, 2:03 AM

C H R I S T I N E O W E N
p h o t o g r a p h y

Tom, December, 7, 2005, 12:28 AM (link here)

I just noticed that that last post--the link to Love Will Tear Us Apart, accordion-style--it was this blog's 111th post.

(Previously discussed here and here. To be continued ...)

I'm going to bed.

Tom, December, 6, 2005, 4:08 AM (link here)

JENNI and SUSAN of MSO have done us all an enormous favor.

LOVE WILL
TEAR US APART

Tom, December 6, 2005, 2:56 AM (link here)

Greg Condon
Orson the King
2005. Pencil on paper,
922 x 1024 px.
Bequest of the artist's blog.

Tom, December 6, 2005, 2:43 AM (hidden junk)

Get your roommate to buy Cane Toads.

Tom, December, 6, 2005, 12:14 AM

Tom, December, 5, 2005, 11:56 PM

Animator/Artist/Poet/Innovator Thomas Grey Roddy has been kind enough to let play here his latest: the odd, tranquilizing bodysplash.

(With music "borrowed" from Alex Chilton and images borrowed from World Wrestling Entertainment, it just so happens to be the most illegal thing posted on this site.)

Enjoy.

Tom, December 3, 2005, 6:03 PM (bodysplash)

from something called The Fourth of July:

AQUINAS IN THE AFTERNOON (O.S.)

...The Hokum County Fairground Committee would like to remind everyone that the other festivities will go on as planned. So, we can all still look forward to the Pie-Eating contest, the kids can still bob for their apples. I don’t see why the Petting Zoo won’t still be open. There’ll be clowns, I’m sure. And- What’s this? Oh, okay. I’m being told by Barry that the Petting Zoo has been closed. Right? Yes. Okay. So, no Petting Zoo either. Sorry, folks. It’s uh- It’s apparently too hot for the animals. That's a shame.
Tom, December, 2, 2005, 3:07 AM

Tom, December, 2, 2005, 3:03 AM

"Late night photoshop..." says Charles, "nothing good can come of it."

Tom, December 1, 2005, 10:03 PM (link here)

"I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's."

Happy Birthday Woody Allen

Tom, December, 1, 2005, 9:38 PM