In regards to Letters for All Occasions

Letters for All Occasions is my proxy for A Lifetime Encyclopedia of Letters, an actual book by an actual lover of letters, Mr. Harold E. Meyer. An industrial accountant with a lifelong passions for words and the shades of meaning they convey he is. I keep his book close to me, as I believe it to be one of the finest examples of the choking insincerity on which our culture stands. I'm sure Mr. Meyer is a nice guy though. For those moms out there whose kids bought them too valuable a gift for Mother's Day, he recommends the following:

Dear Scott,

    Once again you show that your taste in gifts is impeccable. Thank you so much for the lovely, and valuable, antique silver vase.

    I regret that I must return it; a sincere regret because of its great beauty.

    It is unfortunate but my frequent business trips make my home vulnerable, and several area homes have recently suffered burglaries. Although insurance would provide financial reimbursement, the irreplaceable nature of the vase would leave me forever guilty. Please allow me to return it.

Sincerely,
Mom

I recently noticed that A Lifetime Encyclopedia of Letters is in its third printing--and with a new cover! (This is what mine looks like.) The one copy they had left at the bookstore was sealed, else I would have checked if my favorite letter was also updated. If someone owes you money, you're to write them:

Dear Mr. Wilson,

    "Hey, look at this, Bud!"
    "Bad news, Joe?"
    "Yeah, this guy wants my autograph."
    "But, gosh, that's a compliment. Aren't you proud?"
    "But this guy wants it on a check."

    We, too, would like your autograph on a check--$45.60 for the toaster you bought on February 7th.

Sincerely,
Harvey

I love this book. Its power doesn't really come across in a few snippets, I'm sorry. I should just carry it around with me.



UPDATE: God damn it.

So the title should probably be changed.

Eventually, I guess.



Tom, May 14, 2006, 8:30 PM             (link here)